Cattle Compromise

I've been feeling a tinge of environmental guilt since my recent outburst on facebook about the well-intentioned "turn off the lights" world effort to symbolically turn back global warming. I turned on all the lights in the house AND the barns including all the spot lights. I have sinned - I don't know who I can turn to for the sweet solace of global forgiveness - so I'll consider what the USDA and the EPA are considering....

In their righteous efforts to curb harmful greenhouse gas emissions from our eeeeevil capitalist nation - the USDA has encouraged the EPA to levy a tax on the cattle industry for methane emissions.

Now, to the uncircumsized and gentiles of the environmental religion, this would seem absurd - but to the prophets of green, this idea is good enough for a stone tablet! Let us examine the carnal and wicked lifestyle choices of cattle to understand why they are the target of this righteous indignation:

Cows eat a lot.
Cows do not excersise.
Cows are fat and fleshy.
Cows are conservative - they chew their cud several times and are not wasteful.
and of course - Cows emit large amounts of methane due to FLATULENCE and ERUCTATION (burping).

Since most lost souls have not embraced the culinary delights of soy burgers, soy milk, or even tofu - cattle will continue to be exploited for their tasty beef and refreshing milk. The by-product of these food staples for the gentile population is such a large amount of methane that our earth cannot handle the stench of it all!

I have to confess that in my personal pursuit for environmental excellence, I fall far short of perfection in the areas of Flatulence and Eructation - excuse me! I am only human!

Here is the great Cattle Compromise:

I propose that as a methane offset to the abundant supply of gas that my cattle are sure to produce, I will no longer consume the following items:

refried beans, cabbage, water, brocolli, chili, sauer kraut, Despo's (maybe), oatmeal, fritos, granola products, milk, cheese (especially processed cheese), diet coke, celery, bread, dog food, M&M's, jerky, cherry pie, apple juice, cheese burgers, corn, french fries, tater tots, onions, baked beans, fruit cake, smoked oisters, mutton, fry bread and jelly beans.

It is my sincere hope that through this compromise, our cattle may freely emit methane knowing that I am their voluntary offset. I am sure they will graze, chew, fart and poop much more eco-consciously knowing that I am an offset to this natural occurence.

I'm sure Jelina will be very excited about this as well.......